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I wake to the sound of a key in the door. I don’t know how many hours have passed, but it feels like I have been asleep for a day. “I came as quickly as I could,” my mother says, plonking herself down on the bed and putting her arms around my shoulders. “You need to get dressed and put some shoes on, darling,” she says, stroking my cheek. “I’ve got us an appointment at a doctor, a sort of posh one, because I couldn’t get an appointment at your GP for about three weeks I’m afraid, and when I said it was an emergency they just told me to call 111, which, given how distressed Harry said you were, was not an option.” Later, I will wonder what happens to all the people who have breakdowns and can’t afford to go to posh doctors, the ones who don’t have anyone they feel they can call. I am momentarily minded to laugh.

And then I tell him. About my paranoia that the police are going to take my daughter away, that I have done something terrible to her. He nods along. The very act of unburdening in itself seems to lift me. When I finish, he leans back in his chair and makes his pronouncement.

“I think it’s clear that you are a very competent and capable woman and it’s important to remember that you will once again be a very competent and capable woman.” I start to cry. “So what I’m going to do is write you a prescription for a small amount of Diazepam and then I’m going to call up an expert in this field and sort you out with help as soon as it’s possible to do so.

Does that sound good to you?” I nod. Diazepam is not a solution, not at all, but it is a bloody good way to get through the day until one comes along.

That night I pop a pill and sleep solidly for the first time in months. I am spaced out, slurring my words. I go to work, speak to my boss through blurry tears. The next day, I wake up to find a voicemail from a doctor at the Capio Nightingale Hospital, a centre for people with mental health issues.

I can have an appointment the next evening, which can be paid for by BUPA. So here I am, a reasonably educated woman, only properly getting help for an illness 20 years after I first developed it – and only then through private healthcare I am fortunate enough to have through my job. For so many reasons, this approach to has to change.

CBT is hard because it is basically making your brain do the complete opposite of what it has done forever. It’s asking you to go cold turkey from all the ludicrous rituals and compulsions you have done for years and years and years.

In my case, as someone with, it is not about getting rid of the intrusive thoughts I have, because you will never do that. What CBT does is change the way you respond to those thoughts. Because they are just thoughts. You don’t have to offer prayers to the universe to try to change them, or wash your hands obsessively to make them go away. When you do these things, you only make the thoughts more intrusive.